JENNIFER CAPRIATI: depression, thoughts of suicide, and her fight to survive

Former child prodigy and 3-time Grand Slam champion, Jennifer Capriati, has been sidelined for almost 2 1/2 years with debilitating shoulder and back injuries. Her last professional match was a 6-0, 6-1 loss to Vera Zvonareva of Russia in November 2004. In a very personal interview with The Olympian, Jennifer, now 31 years old, discusses the injuries, her past struggles with burn-out and drugs, thoughts of suicide, and the struggle to come to terms with her life now.

On her depression:

“If I was at the height of my game, beating Serena Williams, I was on top of the world, but something was still missing inside,” Capriati says. “The happiness factor wasn’t there. I’m still struggling to find out what that is. I’ve always been self-critical. I struggle with trying to like and love myself on a daily basis.”

On the suicidal thoughts:

“Sometimes you get to a point where you can’t stop what you are thinking,” Capriati says. “It’s like you’re being taken over by a demon. You just feel there’s no way out of this space you’re in. It feels like the end of the world. When you are just so exhausted and tired of feeling that way, you (think), ‘I want to be off this planet right now, because I just feel disgusting inside. I can’t even stand my own skin, and I just want to get out.”’

On her injury-induced withdrawal from tennis:

“When I stopped playing, that’s when all this came crumbling down,” Capriati says. “If I don’t have (tennis), who am I? What am I? I was just alive because of this. I’ve had to ask, ‘Well, who is Jennifer? What if this is gone now?’ I can’t live off of this the rest of my life.”

On her outlook for the future:

"I have a choice. Am I going to let this defeat me, and make me not even want to be here? Or am I going to do something to not let this break me down, and maybe help other people? That’s the mission I’m on now, to find happiness and positiveness in the future.”

(image courtesy of Allsport)